I realize I’ve been away for a long time and for all you know in a galaxy far, far away. I want to apologize for my disappearance. Explanations are hard and kind of depressing, and I want this place to be a happy one. (If you have a disdain for the personal and just come here for the food, I certainly don’t blame you and please accept my profuse apologies for being a basket case again and disregard the rest of my sob story…er…post.)
Despite that I feel compelled to reveal that some of the same circumstances other Americans as well as countless citizens around the world have been experiencing I too have had to endure. I’m reminded of David Gray’s lyrics for the song Nightblindness, “What we gonna do when the money runs out? …How we gonna find the eyes to see a brighter day.” There isn’t a time that I can ever remember when I wasn’t on the edge of yellow freaking fear about money in my life, and I’m in my 30′s. On top of that, those not so recent deaths in my life reopened or rather uncovered wounds from other losses in the more distant past, namely my biological Father. The last time I saw him was when I was eight years old and at the time I didn’t realize it would be the last time I would ever see him. The death of my Grandfather (who acted as a provisional father for a time) triggered the realization that I had had a Father and lost him, and no one had ever really acknowledged that fact and I’ve been trying to process both losses at the same time. The whole matter is more complicated by the fact that my Mother finally divorced a stepfather who was emotionally abusive to the both of us. Regardless of the abuse, it’s a little jarring to the psyche that you can spend 22 years with someone and one day the relationship is quite literally severed, never speaking to them again. NOT that I’d want to have anything to do with him and I’d be horrified if he tried, it’s just…weird, I wish I could give you a better explanation. Anyways, all this loss, and all this worry about money…yeah, it hasn’t been easy. Again I’m reminded of another lyric, this time from the Smiths Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want, “Haven’t had a dream in a long time, See the life I’ve had can make a good man bad.” See, this is why i don’t much like to write about this stuff. Gack. Still, I’m here dealing with all of this and it’s been difficult keeping that stiff upper lip and soldiering on. At the same time I wholeheartedly want to keep at it, heck, I need to. So, I can’t and won’t make any promises except to do my best at this whole blog thing. If the road to hell is paved with good intentions I’m sure I’m damned several times over, but I’ll try to do better to help make life a little sweeter one post at a time. Thanks for listening. Sob story out.
